Send Help!

When a baby is born healthy, at term, everyone know exactly what to do to help. A cute "It's a boy/girl" card, a couple of balloons, some flowers for mum and once you've got the invite to visit, make sure you offer to put the kettle on and bring round some biscuits. Everyone's happy!

But when a baby is born early or poorly, it seems to get a little tricky. What should you do then? When I had Baby T I realised very quickly that people don't really know what to do. But the reality is, if parents find themselves on NICU, they need the support of friends and family even more.

So, if you've got a friend or relative with a baby in NICU, what can you do to help?

SAY CONGRATULATIONS!

I know this is a controversial one amongst NICU parents, and clearly you need to use some discretion depending on the situation. But, I include this to say - don't forget a baby has just been born. The circumstances may be unexpected and far from ideal, and it may not be a celebratory experience, but please recognise the birth. I felt so sad that so very few people wished me congratulations when Baby T was born. Yes he was early and yes he was poorly for a while, but I wanted someone to say, well done - you've had a baby! Whatever happened, I wanted people to recognise this. That said, the few congratulatory messages I did get which were filled with balloon and confetti emojis didn't sit quite right either. It's important to keep the congratulations in context; recognise and respect the circumstances. So say congratulations but also say you're thinking of them, that you wish them a smooth NICU journey.

And if you would usually have sent flowers, still do that. Yes, parents will be at the hospital a lot, but there's nothing worse than coming home to a cold, empty house late at night. Help fill it with a little bit of colour and give them something to smile about when they are at home.

CHECK IN, BUT DON'T EXPECT A REPLY

Less controversial. Check in regularly. Tell them you're thinking of them, that you hope things are going well, but that you don't expect a reply. Let mum and dad know you're there for them, whenever they are ready and need someone. NICU is a lonely place but I didn't want to talk about every detail of my day with everyone all the time. It was nice to feel that people were thinking about us though and were there whenever we were ready to reach out.

And don't ask for photos. Sharing photos of your baby hooked up to wires, monitors, and tubes can be tough. It's so personal and everyone deals with it differently. NICU parents will share photos when they are ready to, but it can all feel a little too raw to start with. And if you do get a photo, please be careful with your reply. Keep it simple. "He's/She's beautiful" tends to be all that's required. Anything that relates to size and/or health can just be too sensitive and (unintentionally) ignore the complex feelings of having a preterm or sick baby.

BRING FOOD

NICU parents need to look after themselves, but that's tough when you're so focused on your baby/ies. Even when parents do realise they need to eat it's usually a quick refuel as there's unlikely to be any energy or enthusiasm left over for cooking (I basically just ate Double Deckers for a month!). So make and drop off meals. They're perfect for late nights once parents are back from the unit (you can never have too many - that's what the freezer is for). Send snacks, treats. If mum is breastfeeding or pumping, snacks for those middle of the night pumping sessions will be so greatly appreciated.

SEND PRACTICAL HELP

Offer specific practical help rather than just saying "What can I do to help?" or "Let me know what I can do". NICU parents are usually so stretched mentally and physically, that working out what people can do to help is one step too far. So instead say, "I can look after your other child next Friday for the day", or, "I've got a spare afternoon next week so could come and do some cleaning for you" or "Let me drive you to the hospital next week".

Now I know that help and support is much harder to give during this pandemic. But as and when restrictions are lifted, offer to meet the mum and/or dad for a coffee in the hospital. Just having a 15 minute break and a chat with someone new, might be just what they need. And remember, if they say no - it isn't personal. Keep asking, keep offering, until they are ready.

GIFTS FOR THE BABY

If you'd have bought a gift for the baby, still buy a gift for the baby. When Baby T was born, so few people sent a gift. Now, before I sound like I'm just greedy, this isn't about the gifts, it's about the thought. Compared to my previous term baby, hardly anyone got in touch when Baby T was born, and I think it's mainly because they weren't sure how to deal with it. However the absence of a cards and the odd gift made it all feel even more lonely. It almost felt like I hadn't had a baby!

So what do you buy for a baby in NICU? If I'm honest, until he was progressing well, I didn't really want to see the clothes "he can grow into". But blankets, nice muslin clothes, little baby toys are all nice ideas. Or look at specialist NICU stores; affirmation cards, NICU milestone cards are all thoughtful gifts which can be used as part of their NICU journey.

THINK ABOUT THE SIBLINGS

And finally, a NICU experience is tough on siblings too. Yes, children are resilient but a NICU journey impacts on the whole family. Where you can, offer to take them out for the day whilst parents are at the hospital, have them for tea after school, send them a card or perhaps a little gift to mark them getting a new brother or sister. If siblings are visiting, it can get boring, so any little activity books, or quiet toys would help keep them entertained.

Everyone is different and responds differently, but I think the general message is don't disappear! Be there, but don't expect anything. Be sensitive - it's tough going through NICU, tougher than you can ever imagine until you've done it. And keep checking in even once they're home. The challenges don't end once you're home with a NICU baby, so making sure they know you're there for them is so important, especially in this strange-pandemic world we're currently living in.

If you had a baby in NICU, what were the most helpful things people did for you? And if you have a friend or relative with a baby in NICU did you find it difficult to know how best to help?