Two Birthdays - Harriet & Ethan

I'm delighted to share this guest post by Harriet, known as @instaharriet on Instagram. Harriet is mum to Ethan who was both at 27 weeks, and who turned 1 year old at the end of March. Here Harriet talks openly about the challenges that face preemie parents when asked "how old is he?" That seemingly straightforward question, which can be so complicated (and triggering) for preemie parents to answer.

June 18th. Happy ‘unofficial’ 1st birthday to my little trooper. This day last year was Ethan’s due date. Today should have been his first birthday.

Last year, I didn’t acknowledge June 18th. I only have one photo from the day and it wasn’t taken for any significant reason. This time last year I was just pleased to have our baby home. Although discharged from the neonatal unit on 30th May, by June 18th Ethan had already been readmitted to hospital twice. I wasn’t ready to celebrate, I hadn’t processed what we’d all been through and I think I was still in survival mode, living with a sense of dread that we’d be back in a hospital soon.

This year I feel different. I want to mark June 18th. I don’t mean with a big party, or presents but I don’t feel I can let it pass unnoticed. Ethan’s birthday (March 25th) feels such a long time ago and this year it’s made me realise just how early he was and just how long we waited to bring him home.

Developmentally Ethan has come on leaps and bounds since his first birthday. He had a routine check up at neonates two days before his birthday and at that point he wasn’t bearing any weight on his legs at all and he wasn’t crawling - something I was quite concerned about, but was told was perfectly normal. Fast forward to June 18th and I feel lighter. I feel like Ethan is meant to be one now. I feel like he is doing everything your average one year old would be doing. He now never stops moving! If he’s not crawling, he’s pulling himself up on any furniture he can reach and scales along. If someone were to ask me, how old is he? I’d be confident replying; "He's one!"

I’m not really sure when you’re meant to stop adjusting the age of your preemie. We will have neonatal appointments regularly until he is two. Some people still correct until school age. For me, I feel the older he gets the less noticeable it is, or perhaps I’m more comfortable with it. As the saying goes, perhaps ‘time is a healer’.

I dreaded the first time I took him to any baby class, and had a fear of having to explain his age vs. corrected age. One memory that sticks was when I took him to a baby massage class, all the babies were born around his due date but the difference in size, head control was clear. Forever trying to be sociable, I joined these mums for coffee afterwards and our experiences of newborn life were just worlds apart.

I think I’ve unintentionally made people feel uncomfortable when I talk about Ethan’s start in life. I think I’ve made many shop assistants/waiters/strangers in the street wish they’d never stopped to talk to me by giving them a very detailed back story when all they asked was; “how old is your baby?”. For a long time I forgot that people were just being polite. No one really remembers what size a baby ‘should’ be or what they ‘should’ be doing at X weeks old, unless they too are holding a baby of the same age.

I agonised over meeting milestones with a friend (who has a 33 weeker), who wisely told me, ‘comparison is just the thief of joy’. On the days I’ve spiralled, the days I’ve gone down a Google rabbit-hole, the days I’ve scrolled back through Instagram feeds to see when babies met milestones I’ve tried to remember that advice and focus on the present. Focus on how far Ethan has come and just appreciate him for who he is. Because he really is my superhero.

My advice to other parents of preemies is explain their age if you want, or don’t! You’ll know what works for you, for me - finding parents of babies born at his actual birth date has been easier as I can rationalise why Ethan is the last to meet milestones. On the flipside, I’ve also found support from the preemie network on Instagram, I’ve been able to ask mums who ‘get it’ and take advice from them.

Although June 18th is just a regular day, I might still just have that piece of cake to celebrate!